


Sorry for Being Sorry All the Time

by liveonlyza



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: F/M, M/M, circa 2008
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-09
Updated: 2010-07-09
Packaged: 2017-10-10 11:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/99342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveonlyza/pseuds/liveonlyza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:  Jon receives news that his ex-girlfriend is pregnant with his baby. Ryan, his new significant other, gives Jon permission to help take care of her. One day, Ryan walks in on Jon and his ex-girlfriend kissing, and leaves to stay with Spencer and Brendon. Jon tries to reach Ryan, to no avail. Finally, Jon leaves a message a couple of weeks later, telling Ryan that he wants him back because his ex girlfriend died giving birth to the baby. The only question is will Ryan come back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sorry for Being Sorry All the Time

Ryan Ross's least favorite word used to be 'girl'. Now, it was definitely 'pregnant'.

Stupid fucking Cassie and her stupid fucking vagina. Stupid fucking Jon and their stupid fucking three-day-breakup months ago. Stupid fucking Jon who was very lucky that Ryan wasn't forcing a vasectomy on him. What's done is done.

Stupid fucking Ryan for making himself pretend to be okay with the whole fucked-up situation. Stupid fucking Ryan for being in love with stupid fucking Jon.

When Ryan got monumentally pissed at Jon three months ago, over something completely insignificant ("Can't you pry yourself away from that stupid fucking plastic guitar for five minutes? Or do you love it more than me?"), Ryan declared them officially over (but not officially, of course) and they didn't speak for three whole days. Ryan, poor stupid Ryan, figured that Jon would just be crashed on Brendon's couch waiting for Ryan to come and apologize for being a little bitch.

Jon wasn't at Brendon's. Stupid fucking Jon, at the first sign of being free and unattached, ran off to bang his ex-girlfriend, and not just once either, and never with protection either. He had to make sure that it took. He had to make sure that he had really gone and fucked things up good.

And now, Cassie was pregnant. There was never a doubt in anyone's (no, not even Ryan's) mind that it was Jon's. And Jon, stupid fucking Jon, had always wanted to be a dad ("Then why don't you fuck less men, you bastard?" Ryan's words, of course).

Ryan, stupid fucking Ryan, despite still being royally pissed, and despite still wanting to vomit every time he laid eyes on Cassie ("Fat, glowing bitch."), still loved Jon. And, if Jon wanted to be there for his kid (the only one he'd ever have, if Ryan had any say in it), Ryan wasn't really in any position to protest.

But Jon, stupid fuck that he is, was taking it too far in Ryan's opinion. He talked to her stomach (when Ryan wasn't around he kissed it), and he made it mixtapes and insisted that Cassie have it hooked up to the headphones at all times. Ryan, stupid fucking Ryan, was just the slightest bit hurt that Panic! didn't appear on one single mixtape.

Stupid fucking Ryan, he just tried to keep it together, though. He didn't want to cry, and he didn't want to scream, he just wanted Jon. But Ryan was getting less and less access to Jon's precious fucking time anymore, and Cassie was getting to occupy it more and more. Every single doctor visit, Jon was there. Every single kick, Jon was there.

Brendon and Spencer and Pete and the whole rest of the FBR family, they all thought it was cute. They had betting pools over what the sex would be. They didn't think that Ryan knew about the other pool ('how long until Jon and Cassie get back together'), but Ryan knew.

Six fucking months they'd been dating, and Ryan felt like he knew less about Jon than he had last year when they'd welcomed him (despite common thought, it was a pretty cold welcome) into their band. And even then, Ryan saw more of Jon.

The whole pregnant-bitch-thing was putting a massive delay on the new album, which stressed him out more. Sure, Ryan was turning out more lyrics than ever, but they were all hateful (semi-murderess) and all about the Jon-and-Cassie situation. And, if Jon ever saw the lyrics, Ryan was pretty sure that even after all of this was over, there wouldn't ever be a Jon-and-Ryan situation again.

\---

But, Ryan, stupid fucking Ryan, had to draw the fucking line somewhere, and this, this was officially it.

"Jon? Are you home? You won't believe what just happened!" Stupid Ryan, he was practically running through the house, searching for his boyfriend. It wasn't often that Jon actually showed up at the house that they shared anymore (and when he did, all he did was go on and on talking about how Cassie was), but Ryan had seen his car in the driveway, and Ryan had the best news ever.

But, when the elation died down a little, Ryan heard something. And, stupid fucking Ryan, just ignored it and continued his search. His search wasn't long, because the house was small. But, Ryan should've had someone aid him in the search. They would've been able to tell him that the noise sounded suspiciously like a moan. They might've led him away from the bedroom, and gone in themselves to kick the shit out of bastard-Jon.

But, alas, Ryan was alone, and stupid fucking alone Ryan opened the door to the bedroom with just as much enthusiasm that he had opened the doors to the rooms that he had already scoured for Jon.

And what did stupid fucking Ryan find? He found how obvious it was that all these months he had been played. He found stupid fucking Jon on top of that glowing bitch Cassie kissing her like he hadn't kissed Ryan in over a month.

"W-What the hell?" Ryan was finally ready to cry after all these months of holding it in. Jon, the bastard, had the nerve to look shocked, and scared, and a little bit apologetic (fake, Ryan thought).

"Ry, it's not,"

"If you say 'what you think' I'll fucking kill you." Tears were now coming out of the younger boy's eyes. "How could you do this to me?"

"Ryan, I love you, and I'm sorry."

"That's all you have to say? Well, fuck you Jon Walker. This time, we're through for good. Have fun fucking your girl-whore!"

Ryan stormed out of the room, then out of the house, all the while romantically thinking that Jon would come screaming and crying after him, begging him to stay. It didn't happen.

\---

It was a miracle that Ryan didn't crash his fancy car on the way to Spencer's house, because he didn't stop sobbing hysterically the whole time. All he could think about was how stupid fucking Jon was probably fucking that whore on Ryan-and-Jon's bed. The bed that stupid fucking Jon had taken stupid fucking Ryan's virginity on.

But, he did get to Spencer's in one piece, and by that time, his sobs had calmed down a bit, or at least enough to allow for semi-rational thought. Not rational enough, however for Ryan to remember that he had a key to his best friend's house, so he wound up knocking on the door, which annoyed him even though it didn't take that long for Brendon (who was now between houses and staying with the drummer) to answer the door.

"Ryan, what happened?"

"Jon. He, h-he. C-Cassie… w-whore."

"What? Okay, you know what, it doesn't matter. Come inside, Ry." Brendon was confused, but even hyper and borderline-air headed Brendon could get the gist of what was going on. "Spen, Ryan's here."

"Why's Ry here?" This was a shout that came from the back of the house, but it got louder because Spencer was walking fast out to the slightly cluttered, but comfortable living room. And, when he caught sight of his older best friend, his face was fast to turn to shock. "Ryan, what the hell happened?"

"Jon and C-Cassis... they were m-making o-out on my bed. Feel so s-stupid."

"You're not stupid Ry, Jon is, and I swear I'll get Travis to kick his ass."

"T-Thanks Spencer. B-But, I c-can't blame him. Who'd want s-something like m-me?"

"Ryan, fuck him, you're awesome, okay? He's the stupid-ass motherfucker that is going to die, I swear. We'll find a new bassist and everything will be fine."

"No new b-bassist."

"If you don't want a new bassist, then we won't have a bassist at all, Ryan. There's no way that either me or Bren will work with him after this."

"Just, d-don't. C-Can I stay h-here for awhile?"

"Of course, Ryan, as long as you want, you know that." Spencer was still in shock, he had always been close to Jon, and to think that he'd done this to Spencer's best friend just made his fucking blood boil. "Do you want me to go pick up some of your stuff later when they're gone?" Ryan only nodded in response and hic-cupped.

\---

Ryan stayed at Spencer's house, taking Brendon's place in the guest room even though he felt bad that his presence banished Bren to the couch. Stupid fucking Ryan stayed at Spencer's house for weeks that fast turned into months, and stupid fucking Ryan still held out hopes that Jon would come running after him, begging him to take him back, but it never happened. And Ryan just stayed at Spencer's house and let his hopes assist him in wasting away.

The already typically depressed Ryan became more and more despondent and less and less sane. He scribbled away in stupid fucking notebooks constantly. Brendon looked in one once, and none of it made any sense. And poor Ryan, poor stupid fucking Ryan, who was already dangerously thin before the separation, was rapidly losing weight. The only things that Spencer even saw the older boy eat were the fattening break-up foods from the back of Spencer's fridge that had to be expired, and even then the boy never ate much.

Ryan cried a lot, which they all thought was healthy to a point, because he'd been holding back every emotion about the Jon-and-Cassie situation for months. Brendon and Spencer tried not to cry themselves when they heard their friend cry out Jon's name in his sleep.

Weeks passed and stupid fucking Ryan showed no signs of returning to normal. Stupid fucking Ryan was still a wreck, and still spoke (the little that he did speak) optimistically about how Jon was coming back, about how stupid fucking Jon had to come back, because stupid fucking Ryan was still helplessly in love with stupid fucking Jon.

But, on the eighth week, stupid fucking Ryan got his wish in the form of harsh, fast knocks on the front door and loud shouting for someone inside to 'open the fuck up!'. Brendon was the one to do so, even though he did it a little apprehensively. They were world famous, and you could never be sure whether or not someone had leaked their address onto the World Wide Web.

And, when Brendon opened the door, he opened it to a sight that he'd never seen, and had thought that he wouldn't ever see. He saw stupid fucking Jon crying his stupid fucking eyes out, and even though Bren wanted to kill the bearded man for breaking Ry's heart, the urge died temporarily, and he didn't doubt for a second that the right thing to do was to open the door and grant Jon access to the house and to the broken boy he'd made that way.

"Ryan!"

"J-Jon?"

"Ryry, I'm so fucking sorry, baby boy. You know I've always loved you right?" Jon was now beside the couch that Ryan practically lived on and that stupid fucking Ryan was too shocked to pull himself up from. But, he wasn't too shocked to nod, responding to the question of that stupid fucking heartbreaking Jon. "Ryan?"

"W-What are you doing here?"

"I'm here because I love you, Ryan." Jon was starting to calm down, and stupid fucking Ryan could see that he looked a little bit uneasy.

"You may love me, but obviously you love that bitch more." Ryan knew the name-calling was unnecessary and juvenile, but he found a little bit of pleasure in the not-at-all-discreet cringe that crossed over Jon's face.

"Ryan, not only could I never love anyone as much as I love you, but," stupid fucking Jon choked a little before he said his next stupid fucking words, "Cassie died in delivery. It was a boy."

Stupid fucking Ryan was shocked and stupid fucking Ryan felt a little bit bad for all the times that he had actually wished death upon the blonde girl. Stupid fucking Ryan hated himself the slightest bit for being happy. But, even he had to feel miserable, because he had known that Jon had always wanted kids, and that the man he once thought to be the love of his life had had to experience losing what would probably be his only shot at a family.

"I'm so sorry Jon. You would've been a really great dad." Even in the state he was in, Jon mustered up the smallest smile.

"Thanks, Ry."

"Jon, why are you really here?"

"I want you back Ry, you mean everything to me."

Stupid fucking Ryan was lost for words, even though that's exactly what he had been expecting the older man to say. "You cheated on me."

Jon's stupid fucking face fell. "I know."

"You cheated on me with a girl."

"I know. I can't ask you to forgive me. I can just apologize and promise you that it won't ever happen again, and you'll have to trust that promise."

"I trust you." Stupid fucking Ryan was so damn naïve.


End file.
